I've been out of a office setting for a couple years now and I am getting a little rusty on office professionalism. I have relearned many of these skills from my daughter.
If someone gets too close to your workspace: Gently place your foot on their face and push. The person will then fall to the floor and cry, greatly reducing their presence in your space.
If someone tries to steal your work: Grab what you are working on and yell, "NO, (Insert said person's name)!" Continue to yell at a higher and higher pitch and hunch over the work so the person can not take it.
If you see someone using the fax machine or another piece of shared office equipment: You should scream across the room, "Mine!" in your most whiny voice.
If the boss happens to be in the room: Hand over all of your work and supplies to the coworker as a sign of your willingness to work as a team (and so you won't get written up).
If a coworker has candy on their desk: Shove as much in your mouth at once as you can fit. Devour it all, except for one piece. Take that one last piece of candy and hold it in your hand as long as you can. Maybe this saved piece of candy will be a bargaining chip or perhaps you must save it in case there is a shortage of food.
And, finally, on the subject of the office restroom: Never ever be coerced into using the office restroom. You should wear a diaper all day and not attempt to use the restroom, even if your diaper is so wet that it saturates the back of your pants.